I'm jealous of my dog. And other things I wasn't told about getting older!

I have a fantastic circle of friends, and they vary in age.  Some are older than me, some are younger. Variety is the spice of life, I say.  And I love nothing more than sitting around chatting with a good glass of wine, 3 eggs over easy, bacon, toast and my lady friends.  We talk about anything and everything.  When I say everything, I mean everything.  Nothing is too scared, nothing too risky (well, there was that one thing but we don't talk about that anymore).  I have learned more about getting older and wiser because of these discussions. But I understand that not all women have access to this forbidden information. 

So for your reading pleasure, and to serve as a warning to any younger readers, I have compiled a list of facts about getting older.  This list is mostly geared to women, so to my testosterone driven readers, please keep reading so you'll have some insight into what your wife/mother/girlfriend is going through or will be going through in the next few years. If there was ever a reason to buy her flowers, this is it!

1) You will wish you had a dog's bladder.  My dog can go all night long without a visit to the fire hydrant.  His bladder is so strong that he can wake up, eat breakfast, have another nap and still hold it in until I take him for a walk.  And even then he's not scrambling to go.  Nope, he'll pee a little bit here and a little bit there.  Its actually quite amazing.  Ask any woman over the age of 30 or has had at least one child exit her body and she'll tell you that finding a bathroom is usually her number one (no pun intended!) task.  When the doctor ask for a mid-stream urine sample, I can't help but laugh in their face!  That's like asking Romney to support equal rights for all - not going to happen!

1b) You will buy your house and clothes based on their ability to help you not pee your pants.  I cannot tell you the number of times I have sat in my driveway, undone my zipper, called home to insure that the way was clear and prayed to the urine gods to please, oh please let me make it inside!  If my bathroom wasn't located in the front hall, I'd be screwed. 

And while I'm totally embarrassing myself, I will also admit that I buy pants based on their removeablitiy (I think I just made a new word).  Sure when I was 18, this was also a factor in my fashion choices but that was for a totally different reason.  Reitmans has these wonderful jeans that sit just right on my motherly hips - no unsightly gap at the back.  While they are aesthetically pleasing, they are a real bitch to get off in a bathroom emergency....so I don't wear them if I will be drinking, laughing, sneezing or bending down to pick something up. 

2) You will carry a pair of tweezers in your purse at all times. Unsightly, and unwanted hair always have a way of popping up at the most inopportune moments- like when you're enjoying a lovely drive on a beautiful sunny day and happen to catch a glance of yourself in the mirror.  That damn hair wasn't poking out when you were getting ready, how the f*ck did it grow so f*cking fast!  Then you'll think to yourself "how long has it been there? Did anyone else notice? Were they laughing at me behind my bearded back?"  So by the hair on my chinny chin chin, I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but at some point in your near future, you will be marking your calendar with "hair removal day".

2b) While on the topic of hair, I must tell you that you will get gray strands in your gorgeous full head of hair way sooner than you were expecting.  If you have a husband, children, a job and/or general life responsibilities, you will notice bits of gray trying to sneak in around the age of 30ish.  Any woman who is of "mature" status and does not have any grays poking through also has "dye hair" marked on her calendar.  Plain and simple.

3) You will look at younger, more energetic girls and think "screw you and your perky boobs!"  Get a good support system in place now, cause the whole "over the shoulder boulder holder" joke will very soon become your sad reality.

4) To do lists will not only be your friend, they will also be your life line.  Your memory will go. Maybe its the wine in me, or more likely its my aging brain but I can't remember shit.  Well no, I should correct that.  I cannot remember things when I need to remember them.  For example, when I am lying in bed begging my brain to "shut the hell up", I seem to remember every little detail of my busy life. Pick up dry cleaning, go to bank, call mother, etc, etc. Its all there at 12:41 in the morning.  But when I'm wide awake and planning my day - nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Hence the to-do-lists.  I've got them everywhere - on my phone, fridge, purse.  Nothing wrong with that, except I need a list to remind me where my lists are.

5) Friday nights alone will be a fabulous thing.  I can remember the days when, if I didn't have plans to something on the weekend, my life was over!  I was a social outcast, no one loved me, blah, blah, blah.  But now with 3 busy kids, a husband and a calendar packed with hockey tournaments and meetings, I would literally give my right arm for a night or two of complete silence.  The house would stay clean, I would eat warm dinners and have absolute control of the television.  Time to yourself will become a joy you have no way of understanding during your youthful, careful years.

6) We all know and love the joys of "Magic Mike" but all show and no brains will fade very quickly.  Marry a man whom will love and support you for years to come.  Don't go for the knight in shining armour, cause armour rusts and gets all nasty.  Seek out the quiet prince who will surprise you with the quirky notes and washed floors.  Because, let me tell you, there is isn't a better feeling in the world than watching your husband teach your sons how to tie a tie or having him text you with"hurry home cause dinner is waiting for you." And I can pretty much guarantee you that "good husbandry 101" is not taught at "Sexy Beef Cake/Doucheville High".


Well there you have it.  A Cole's Notes version of getting older.  But I must say that its not all bad.  Yeah sure, your body will go to shit but you will become a much stronger, smarter, powerful woman who has the knowledge and know-how to stay true to your authentic self.  And that my dear, can only happen when you get older.