Goodbye Poem

Dearest junk food, I love you so

But it is time for you to go.

Snickers, McDonalds and salty potato chips

You taste so yummy but go straight to my hips.

Bacon, eggs and white buttered bread

You were a treat but I think I was misled.

For I’ve been duped, yes I’ve been tricked.

Stepping on the scale feels like I was kicked.

Our times together were such a delight

But you make my pants too damn tight.

I’m so sorry junk food but I regret to say

that our relationship will end on New Years Day.

Yes, it’s sad but true; our time together is looking grim

For starting on Tuesday I’ll be hitting the gym!

Goodbye sugar and all things sweet

I’ll think of you every time that I eat

Broccoli, carrots and other things bland

cause I’ll be following the weight watchers plan.

There is one more thing I need to say

And it pains me to put it this way

If you think I’ll give up my zinfandel

then you can go right straight to HELL!



Photo source: http://tinyurl.com/b7aekpc

 

Sit down, shut up and be respectful.

Source: cms.burlington.ca

Tomorrow is November 11th.  Which means, if you have an ounce of respect in your body, at 11am tomorrow morning, you will take 2 minutes out of your busy life to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice (and for those who continue to do so) so that you can enjoy your freedom.

 If you remember from last year's post, I (like many of you) had family who served overseas during WWII.  My grandfather and grandfather-in-law both left their newly found families and headed across the pond to fight the good fight.  For years, they (along with so many other men and women) fought for and won freedom for the generations which followed.  And how do these generations say thank you?  Most wear a poppy on their left, many attend ceremonies and sadly, some opt out of Remembrance Day ceremonies all together. 

The Premier of Manitoba, Mr.Greg Selinger, ruled yesterday that it is OK for students to opt out their schools ceremony, if it conflicts with their religious beliefs.  (click here to read the full story).  And this is where my dilemma begins.

I stand by our right to religious freedom 100%.  Whether you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or an Atheist, I believe it is your right to practice religion in whatever way you deem appropriate (of course that is as long as no one else's freedoms are infringed upon). 

But since when does Remembrance Day have any religious meaning?

The day is meant to be a day of reflection and gratitude.  It is a day which forces us to pause for just 2 minutes and REMEMBER the sacrifice which millions made for our freedom. 

But I don't think the story in Manitoba has anything to do with religious freedoms. I have a sneaky feeling that some smart-ass teenagers thought they could use "conflict of religious beliefs" as an excuse to stay home and sleep in, rather than having to put the texts on hold while their "stupid" teachers blabbed on about some old dudes from a gazillion years ago. 

And rather than giving the kid the good old fashion "sit down, shut up and be respectful" speech - some dumb ass politically correct wannabe thought "well golly gee, we shouldn't make these teenagers do something they don't want to, they might get upset" . 

The flip side of this story is, of course, that the soldiers which we remember tomorrow fought very hard so future generations could have religious freedom and freedom to choose.  Are we being total hypocrites if we force students to attend ceremonies?

So faithful readers, this is my question to you.....should Remembrance Day ceremonies be a mandatory event for students? 

Discuss amongst yourself....


P.S. Grandpa S. and Grandpa G.... I love you both and thank you. 

I'm jealous of my dog. And other things I wasn't told about getting older!

I have a fantastic circle of friends, and they vary in age.  Some are older than me, some are younger. Variety is the spice of life, I say.  And I love nothing more than sitting around chatting with a good glass of wine, 3 eggs over easy, bacon, toast and my lady friends.  We talk about anything and everything.  When I say everything, I mean everything.  Nothing is too scared, nothing too risky (well, there was that one thing but we don't talk about that anymore).  I have learned more about getting older and wiser because of these discussions. But I understand that not all women have access to this forbidden information. 

So for your reading pleasure, and to serve as a warning to any younger readers, I have compiled a list of facts about getting older.  This list is mostly geared to women, so to my testosterone driven readers, please keep reading so you'll have some insight into what your wife/mother/girlfriend is going through or will be going through in the next few years. If there was ever a reason to buy her flowers, this is it!

1) You will wish you had a dog's bladder.  My dog can go all night long without a visit to the fire hydrant.  His bladder is so strong that he can wake up, eat breakfast, have another nap and still hold it in until I take him for a walk.  And even then he's not scrambling to go.  Nope, he'll pee a little bit here and a little bit there.  Its actually quite amazing.  Ask any woman over the age of 30 or has had at least one child exit her body and she'll tell you that finding a bathroom is usually her number one (no pun intended!) task.  When the doctor ask for a mid-stream urine sample, I can't help but laugh in their face!  That's like asking Romney to support equal rights for all - not going to happen!

1b) You will buy your house and clothes based on their ability to help you not pee your pants.  I cannot tell you the number of times I have sat in my driveway, undone my zipper, called home to insure that the way was clear and prayed to the urine gods to please, oh please let me make it inside!  If my bathroom wasn't located in the front hall, I'd be screwed. 

And while I'm totally embarrassing myself, I will also admit that I buy pants based on their removeablitiy (I think I just made a new word).  Sure when I was 18, this was also a factor in my fashion choices but that was for a totally different reason.  Reitmans has these wonderful jeans that sit just right on my motherly hips - no unsightly gap at the back.  While they are aesthetically pleasing, they are a real bitch to get off in a bathroom emergency....so I don't wear them if I will be drinking, laughing, sneezing or bending down to pick something up. 

2) You will carry a pair of tweezers in your purse at all times. Unsightly, and unwanted hair always have a way of popping up at the most inopportune moments- like when you're enjoying a lovely drive on a beautiful sunny day and happen to catch a glance of yourself in the mirror.  That damn hair wasn't poking out when you were getting ready, how the f*ck did it grow so f*cking fast!  Then you'll think to yourself "how long has it been there? Did anyone else notice? Were they laughing at me behind my bearded back?"  So by the hair on my chinny chin chin, I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but at some point in your near future, you will be marking your calendar with "hair removal day".

2b) While on the topic of hair, I must tell you that you will get gray strands in your gorgeous full head of hair way sooner than you were expecting.  If you have a husband, children, a job and/or general life responsibilities, you will notice bits of gray trying to sneak in around the age of 30ish.  Any woman who is of "mature" status and does not have any grays poking through also has "dye hair" marked on her calendar.  Plain and simple.

3) You will look at younger, more energetic girls and think "screw you and your perky boobs!"  Get a good support system in place now, cause the whole "over the shoulder boulder holder" joke will very soon become your sad reality.

4) To do lists will not only be your friend, they will also be your life line.  Your memory will go. Maybe its the wine in me, or more likely its my aging brain but I can't remember shit.  Well no, I should correct that.  I cannot remember things when I need to remember them.  For example, when I am lying in bed begging my brain to "shut the hell up", I seem to remember every little detail of my busy life. Pick up dry cleaning, go to bank, call mother, etc, etc. Its all there at 12:41 in the morning.  But when I'm wide awake and planning my day - nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Hence the to-do-lists.  I've got them everywhere - on my phone, fridge, purse.  Nothing wrong with that, except I need a list to remind me where my lists are.

5) Friday nights alone will be a fabulous thing.  I can remember the days when, if I didn't have plans to something on the weekend, my life was over!  I was a social outcast, no one loved me, blah, blah, blah.  But now with 3 busy kids, a husband and a calendar packed with hockey tournaments and meetings, I would literally give my right arm for a night or two of complete silence.  The house would stay clean, I would eat warm dinners and have absolute control of the television.  Time to yourself will become a joy you have no way of understanding during your youthful, careful years.

6) We all know and love the joys of "Magic Mike" but all show and no brains will fade very quickly.  Marry a man whom will love and support you for years to come.  Don't go for the knight in shining armour, cause armour rusts and gets all nasty.  Seek out the quiet prince who will surprise you with the quirky notes and washed floors.  Because, let me tell you, there is isn't a better feeling in the world than watching your husband teach your sons how to tie a tie or having him text you with"hurry home cause dinner is waiting for you." And I can pretty much guarantee you that "good husbandry 101" is not taught at "Sexy Beef Cake/Doucheville High".


Well there you have it.  A Cole's Notes version of getting older.  But I must say that its not all bad.  Yeah sure, your body will go to shit but you will become a much stronger, smarter, powerful woman who has the knowledge and know-how to stay true to your authentic self.  And that my dear, can only happen when you get older. 

5 truths in life

You've heard the saying "nothing is certain but death and taxes", right? Well I call bullshit!  Upon closer examination, there is actually a very long list of inevitable truths in life.  For your reading pleasure, and like any good OCD sufferer, I have complied a list of said truths.

5 truths in life

1) The Maple Leafs will never, ever win a cup.  Plain and simple. Its just not going to happen.  There should be a mass email sent out to all Leaf fans, stating that while we are still expected to re-mortgage our houses to watch a live game, and that at the beginning of every season we'll be given a glimpse of playoff hopes; there will never ever be a Stanley cup parade in T.O.   So go ahead and wear your Leaf gear proudly, but do so at your own risk - its a clear indication that you suffer from a debilitating mental illness and you may be committed to the loony bin!

2) The rich will get richer.  And don't be fooled by heartwarming stories on the Biography channel on how they faced insurmountable odds and pulled themselves up by their bootstraps. LIES!  They got filthy, stinking rich off the back-breaking work that you and I do...all day....every day....for the rest of our miserable lives.  Happy smiles!


3) Canadians will always bitch about the weather.  Its too cold...bitch, bitch, bitch.  Its too hot....waa,waa, waa.  Even with global warming and the non-existent winter we had this year, the weather was still the centre of so many conversations.  It's never good enough for those of us up in the far north.  But I can't really say anything, cause I am, embarrassingly, one of the biggest babies when it comes to Canadian weather.  But seriously, I want to wear caprice!

4) Gas prices will always go up.  Next to the weather, Canadians love nothing more than complaining about gas prices. "We are a major producer of the world's oil supplies." BOO HOO"The oil companies are just a bunch of greedy pigs (see #2)".  Blah, blah, blah.  If you don't like the price of gas, sell your 5 ton SUV and walk everywhere.  Not possible? Well, suck it up than baby, cause gas prices always goes up.  Its simple physics.

5) Every single one of us will have a moment at some point in our lives that when we look in the mirror, we think "How the F*CK did that happen?"  And I not just talking about the physically transformation that occurs as we you age.  No, I'm also talking about that moment when you look at your kids as they're beating the crap out of each other, your spouse is wearing jogging pants and a "who farted?" shirt, you're seriously considering subscribing to the "Jam of the Month" Club and you ask yourself "how did my life become so boring without me noticing?"   Its inevitable, we grow up, we get boring.  Its like the PB & J of life - adulthood and mind numbing boringness go hand in hand. But I say SCREW responsibility and live life dangerously!  Buy a motorcycle.  Eat kangaroo (tastes like chicken).  Wear cotton instead of polyester. Let go and live on the wild side!

Now if you please excuse me, like any good Canadian, I have a Timmies date with a good friend to bitch about the leafs, gas prices, and how bloody cold it has been lately.

Clearing up some misconceptions

For all the bitching and complaining I do, I really am a super-duper lucky gal.  I have a husband who, for some crazy reason, loves me unconditionally.  And I have three of the most incredible boys.  Sure, I lose my sh*t with them and their dumb ass decisions sometimes (OK, daily) but overall, they are well-behaved, loving, handsome individuals. I have an extended family which I love dearly, a solid roof over my head, a fridge full of semi-rotten food and a stable job (regardless of its pathetic pay, its a job which can never be off-shored).  And my friends; oh how lonely I would be without my friends.

All of these things make me luckier than most people (certainty most women) in the world.  So when I joke about killing my husband, or one-night stands with Zak Efron/Chaz Bono look-a-likes, you have to realize that I'm just joking. Same goes for stories about my questionable parenting choices. Sure my boys may or may not have gone to school wearing running shoes which could pass for flip flops, and have had a lunch which consisted of a handful of marshmallows, 2 cookies and a pop but I didn't know about these "issues" and dealt with them as soon as I sobered up (see, that's a joke.....or is it????)

I am generally a very happy person (or at least I think so, feel free to disagree....I dare you) and I use humor to cope with the stresses in my life. I am so very grateful for all of the fabulous people and things in my life.   I live a crazy, roller coaster of a life, and if I didn't joke around I seriously think my head would explode. If you are going to be a faithful reader of mine, you must be able to decipher the truth from the fiction.  Cause I'm not going to tell you, that just wouldn't be fair to all the other minions who have been paying attention. 

Good night and keep on reading.

Sit Jenn sit, good girl!

There are two questions which have pledged many great minds throughout human existence - which came first; the chicken or the egg? And can you teach an old dog new tricks?  Well the first is blatantly obvious - everyone knows that it is neither - all chickens are actually alien beings biding their time until their mother ship returns to take over the world. (actually: I think this t-shirt answers that question.) The second one, that's a little trickier.  On the one hand, yes you can eventually teach the old dog to roll over, but that is probably because the dog died of natural causes.  On the other hand, why would you want to teach an old dog new tricks.  Aren't they good enough the way they are now?  Does every dog really need to know how to pour a glass of pinot grigio? (That's a rhetorical question: of course they do, since social workers tend to label parents who train their children to do the same trick as "unfit" and "bad").  I know you're probably wondering when I'm actually going to talk about something of interest/importance, but I like to create an atmosphere of suspense for my readers, but your patience will be rewarded.......right.......now


As some of you may know, I recently started taking an introductory french class.  And because of this I've been spending a lot of time reflecting on the "old dog, new tricks" dilemma.  My classes are on Wednesday evening; during classes and shorty thereafter, I able to communicate perfectly with anyone who ONLY wants to know a) my name b) if I'm tired c) if I'm happy.  However, for some stupid reason, this new found linguistic knowledge is only able to remain in my brain for a matter of hours.  No matter what I do (listen to the course CD continuously, read the textbook repeatedly, stuff cotton balls in my ears) I cannot retain this language!  Which leads me back to the old dog-new tricks question.  Is there a point in one's life that language acquisition is nearly, if not completely impossible? 

Researchers theorize that the ability to acquire a new language is severely diminished around the age of 9. Actually I randomly picked that number cause I was too lazy to google it. But I do know that at some point during our short lives, our brain streamlines everything that's going on inside our noggins.  Whats working gets to stay, everything else is closed down.  That is why its so much easier for children to learn stuff. Nothing has been shut down; a child's brain is wide open - literally like a sponge. Language, technology, cool arm twisting tricks, whatever, it all just gets sucked right up and sticks!. Need proof? Just go ask any 9 year old how to google/text/download porn - and they'll be able to do with their eyes shut.  Its just the way our brains are designed. 

This desire of mine to learn French is stressing my brain out.  The little-tiny construction supervisors inside my cranium who naively thought the job of building my brain was complete are now scrambling to re-build the language connectors.   And I'm not kidding when I say that I can feel this process and it actually hurts.  Sure I was able to go back to university and graduate with honors, and sure all that educational mumble jumble was, at times, difficult to understand, but this french is whole other story. Whoever said that English was one of the hardest languages to learn obviously spoke French as their first language. 

But alas, it is getting easier.  I'm three classes in and I can now respond to some very basic questions which contain words which closely resemble English words.  "Tu est optimiste?" "Oui, je suis optimiste." "Tu est contente?" "Non, je ne suis pas contente" As the cobwebs and dust bunnies are slowly being evicted from my linguistic receptors, the french language is finally starting to take hold.  Now don't get me wrong, the whole masculine/feminine BS is still throwing me way off but its beginning to make sense....on paper.  Verbally, I'm not so sure.  I think the little construction men inside my brain have been too busy hooting and hollering at passing blood cells cause they're way behind schedule on the brain-vocal cords connecting highway.

Au revoir et bonne soirée.

Bad drivers, abandoned socks and other reasons why I drink

Disclaimer: This blog is nothing more than a vent about things that drive me crazy.  Well, actually thats what most of my blogs are about...soooo...disregard and carry on.

Top ten things rude and disrespectful people do that make me want to bang my head against a brick wall.

1) People who don't signal when driving.  There is really no excuse for blatant act of laziness.  I mean, come on, flicking your signal on takes all of about .5 seconds and only requires the use of one limb! AND the car turns it off for you!  No excuse! Get er done!

1a) People who don't turn their signal OFF.  Its like Chinese water torture!  Doesn't the clicking sound drive you crazy?  Don't you notice the evil glares you are getting from other drivers (read: me)? TURN OFF YOUR SIGNAL!

2) Opened mouthed gum chewers.  If I wanted to see a cow chewing on cud, I'd head down to the local farm or zoo.  Its rude and disgusting - close your mouth

3) Those who use the express lane (8 items or less) at the grocery store when purchasing a cart full of food.  Even if its 23 small items, you are clearly breaking the rules.  Pack up your honey nut cheerios, juice boxes, Uncle Ben's rice packets and royal gala apples and move over to a non-express lane.

4) People, who are in front of me at the grocery store and see that I'm attempting to balance (in my arms) 3 bags of milk, 2 boxes of cookies, ice cream and a club size box of KD (the 4 basic food groups in my house) AND still don't move out of the way so I can place my stuff on the conveyor belt.  Closely linked to this pet peeve is people who don't place the divider thingy on the conveyor belt to separate their crap from mine.  Grrrrr (as you may have noticed, I'm not a huge fan of grocery store and their patrons - I food shop on Fridays, just in case you're interested and want to stay away)

5) Teenagers.  Self explanatory, no need to expand

6) People who use the drive through at Tim Hortons to order the entire office's morning coffee.  If you are ordering more than 2 coffees, and its 7:15 in the morning, get your butt out of your car, walk inside and bug the people in there.  I gotta go, and don't have time to watch and wait for you to figure out who ordered the double-double and who ordered the 1 milk, 2 sugars.  MOVE IT!

7) Mac computers.  Ok, so isn't a person pet peeve but it still bugs me.  We bought a mac a few weeks ago and when we first brought it home, I thought I was in love.  But I was so very wrong - it turned out to be nothing more than a steamy one night stand with a person who I thought looked like Zac Efron at the bar but in the morning discovered that they were actually Chaz Bono's twin (crap, I've said too much.  In my defence, the lights were low, I had had one too many and my friends had all left.  Crap, too much again.  I'll shut up now)   The mac keyboard is tiny, the operating system is so simple its annoying and I can't play solitaire on it.  I want my rock-grinder of a lap top back!

8) Children (I won't name names, but they come in sizes large, medium and small and all smell like a mixture of hot dogs, grass and hockey bags) who leave their dirty socks all over the freakin place.  When I get home after a long day, I love to strip down and get comfy.  But if I take any clothing off, I put it either in the hamper or folded on my side of the closet.  The unnamed children however leave them......

here....

here.....

and even here......(don't worry, I'm a big fan of disinfectant sprays)

They need to start putting their socks in the hamper or they'll find them here.....

9) People who drive at or below the speed limit.  Now, I know that in certain parts of the world, people respect and obey speed limit signs.  But up here in the land of maple syrup and free health care, we generally take them a suggested speed. For example, if the signs says 50 km/hr, we all know that really means to do 60 km/hr (thats if you don't a ticket, 70 km/hr if you're feeling lucky).  So when I get stuck behind some inexperienced, safety conscience driver who almost anyways drives in the left lane (which we all know is for those feeling lucky), I want to pull my hair out.  Inevidentably this person will drive like Miss Daisy is in the backseat until a light turns yellow and then all of a sudden they morph into Mario Andretti, leaving me in their dust and at the red light.  They really need to include a manners component on the drivers exam - there'd be a lot less drivers on the road if they did!

10) I saved the best for last.  The rudest and most disgusting thing that people do which drives me crazy is spit!  And spit on the sidewalk. And spit the biggest, nastiness hork which required a tremendous amount of noise and effort to expropriate from their nasal cavity.  SO GROSS!  Sorry fellas, you tend to be the biggest culprit in this crime of rudeness.  Why do you do it?  And did all the boys get pulled out of class during elementary school to go to a secret spitting 101 class?  Cause as far as I can tell, its the guys who do this.  Its very unattractive and unsanitary, so please for my sanity, hygiene and sensitive gag reflex, don't spit.  


Good bye people, I have a huge case- load of missing sock reports to get through. But I'd be interested to know if I'm the only one with these pet-peeves.  Do you have any others?  Please post them in the comment box and we can discuss.